Late Night Rant

Written on: 26-Sept-2021

I don't know what to write but I'm feeling strange. I don't know how I am feeling, it feels like someone's sitting on my stomach. I think I want to cry but I am not, I don't know why. I think I feel useless and unproductive. I keep thinking of other people that they're doing something productive and I'm not, and that's just making me sick. I can't wait for university to start so that this dreadful feeling will end Inshallah. I am also nervous about the start I don't know why. I think that I will stop trying to get into a relationship, it won't work. I will  not know what and how it feels to be in a relationship; to call someone your girlfriend. I will just fall into an arranged marriage and eventually love that person and then lead a happy content life. But there will be an itch in my heart that I never experienced a relationship. I honestly want to be in one, I just want to FEEL a relationship for once please. I want to be loved by someone, I want someone to care for me, I want someone to message me without any reason, I want someone to genuinely care and worry for me. At every new stage of life I think that here I will find someone and get in a relationship, but it just never happens. What do I do? I don't know. I just don't want to get married without ever feeling what it feels to love a person and to finally muster up the courage to ask someone out. Please, just let me be in at least one relationship where I am valued and I can feel the love I wish for. Please get me someone to whom I can dedicate songs and just have a good time. God, please bless me with a relationship. I want to have long calls and cozy conversations. I want to have a strong connect with someone other than my family. I want to fill that void in my heart. Please God bless me with that someone. I want to see a smile on someone's face when they see me. I want someone to get excited for me. I want someone to get me gifts. I want someone to celebrate my birthday with me. Damn, I just want someone to love. I want someone to just release me of all the miseries of this life. I want someone to make me forget all my worries.